In
an effort to escape ChimpRanch, I, Delilah Dandypants, have taken a
job as a smiling, baby loving, Jesus believing marketing assistant.
Let’s just say there was a lot of lying at the job interview. After
completing my first week in real estate hell, I have decided that I was
right all along. Jobs suck syphilis coated midget cock. In four short
days, I have created a “Top 5 Reasons I Hate This Job” list. Yes, I’m an
overachiever.
1. Everyone smiles. While
this might seem normal, maybe even nice, it makes me suspicious and
genuinely creeps me out. Too many big, forced smiles can be
overwhelming. No one wants someone showing off their giant fangs at 8
am. Stop snarling, you’re not a vampire. Plus, after so many forced
smiles you start to look constipated.
2. They have a baby for a mascot:
I am not kidding. First of all, why does a real estate firm need a
mascot? As far as I know only sports teams deserve mascots. And aren’t
mascots supposed to be inspiring or aggressive or something? Wolverines,
Bears, Bobcats. No one would EVER choose a freaking baby. What do
babies inspire you to do? Shit in your pants. Excellent. I guess that
explains why the office smells so bad. Babies are the least aggressive
beings on earth. They can’t even hold up their giant heads AND you can
kill them just by shaking them. I also hate how everyone speaks in
‘baby talk.’ Here’s a hint: BABIES DON’T TALK. They coo. Get it
together, you sound like an announcer at the Special Olympics who just
burnt his tongue on hot coffee.
3. CindyCarolCuntCathyCarolyn:
There are FOUR middle aged women with short blond hair and C names at
Delilah’s Dandywork. Unfortunately, none of those names are Cunt, but
they should be. I cannot for the life of me distinguish between these
leather skinned wanna be cougars. The platinum highlights, animal
prints, and hooker heels all blend together to create a menopausal
meltdown. Their estrogen depleted bodies prance around the office while
their souls have long since been destroyed by husband number 2. Did I
mention they’re all three time losers at the marriage game? Oh, and they
all have boyfriends. I guess it’s true, you can’t teach an old broad
new tricks....unless they’re sexual. I imagine blow jobs are a lot
easier when you can take out your teeth....
4. Jesus is Number One!
These house selling morons praise Jesus over EVERYTHING. From saying
grace over a stale muffin to fixing a paper jam, even finding a pen
warrants a “thank you, Jesus.” They make Jesus sound like a praise
seeking asshole. Which he is, but that’s a different conversation. I
think it’s obvious from my other posts that I am not a big fan of the
Jeezus Chrizist, that being said, these idiots fuel my hatred. In my
first interview I was told, “Our priorities are God first, family
second, work third.” I took this to mean I could get out of work or
slack off if I was having issues with God or my family, thus making it a
positive policy. It’s not. What “God first” really means is that at
least twelve times a day, someone is going to be praying, thanking
Jesus, or singing a hymn. It’s really difficult to roll your eyes when
their friend in the sky is on constant alert and rewriting the words to
“Jesus Loves Me” to say “Jesus touched me this I know, my broken hymen
tells me so” doesn’t really help you make friends....
5. Drugs Not Hugs:
Have you ever started a new job only to have the first six strangers
you meet give you a hug? I have. It’s awkward and unsanitary. I don’t
want your germs and I definitely don’t want your body pressed against
me. I have no desire to feel your braless tits on my shoulder or to have
your mothball perfume seep into my skin. What happened to the bubble of
personal space? Usually there is a good 12 to 18 inches of space that
one may not invade. Apparently it no longer exists. I want to know who
popped the bubble. Maybe it was John Stamos.
I
think it’s easy to see that adjusting to a ‘real’ job with these
lunatics isn’t going to be easy for Delilah. I’ll probably get fired as
soon as I write the second verse of “Jesus Touched Me’....
“...I fight back because I know it’s wrong, but I am weak and he is strong”
Whoops.
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