What's in a Name?

While Delilah Dandypants might not be the most traditional name for a young sprout, it’s far better than the misspelled chaos that the majority of these sticky wildebeests scribble on their tax returns. At some point during wrapping Christmas presents and attempting to spell the ridiculous names my hoodrat cousins have chosen for their genetically misfortunate children, I realized that euthanasia is the answer. After cursing my family members for claiming “Eyeziyah” and “Kai-Lin” are real names, I came to the realization that I cannot have the only idiotic relatives choosing to name their children obnoxiously inappropriate things. So, I did some research and I would like to present to you, some of the very common, yet completely unfortunate names of the next generation.

      1.       Such a heavenly name:  Nevaeh. The dyslexics already know this one. Hint: It’s Heaven backwards. Seriously. First, this name just sounds stupid. Then there’s the fact that ‘heaven backwards’ seems like a fucked up thing to name a kid, no matter how much of Lucifer’s blood flows throughout its creepily small body.  Do us all a favor, if you want to somehow tie your child to heaven, get the little fucker baptized or take it to church, make it wear a cross. DO NOT spell heaven backwards and call it a name. Get real.

      2.       Attack of the Blood Suckers:  Unless you’ve been living in your own version of the girlbunker for the past four years, you are aware that vampires are taking over the world. I’m strangely okay with this, but that could be because I don’t mind biting. However, one of the newest trends in baby naming  is to name the little leeches after fictional leeches (unless Edward really is real). Two of the more popular vampire names are Bella and Sookie. Bella is fine. Sure, sure your bundle of joy is über beautiful and naming her Bella ensures she’ll never forget it, yayayaya. BUT, SOOKIE?! Glory be to Zeus what the hell is happening?  Reasons Sookie is a terrible name for anything other than sexy ass Anna Paquin’s fictional dingy waitress character:

a.       It’s spelled SOOKIE. Pronounced SOOKIE. Enough said.

b.      Sookie is doing some VERY dirty things with those vampires. Personally, I’m a fan. But for a baby? Stop it.

c.       Once again, SOOKIE.

      3.       Fucking stupid: These names are by far the most idiotic, foolish names EVER. If you ever meet a child with one of these names, smack it. Then smack the parent. They will all know why. Beach. Wmffre. Fable.  No, those weren’t random words, those are names. Of children. In America.

I need to go kill myself. Obviously, the world is ending soon; no one named Fable ever made a good life choice. 

I Turn My Back to the Future

It has recently come to my attention that I hate my job. Not only do I despise the land of the technicolor cougar, but the leopard print blouses, overly tanned, overly exposed flesh that now resembles worn leather, and wide, vacant eyes make it terribly difficult to accomplish anything except feelings of pity and dread. Due to the fact that I cannot stand one more day in Menopause Mansion, not to mention the fact that 24 is the new 40 and my days are numbered, I have decided to create 3 possible future plans for myself. Delilah has become…a planner.

1.      A cross-country adventure with my giraffe sidekick, Carlito: We would cruise around the U.S., spend some time in Mexico on a deserted beach, head up to Canada to get some maple syrup and a hockey player, maybe make a few friends along the way (Herman the Beluga Whale and Elmer the baby moose, to be exact). However, it wouldn’t all be fun and games. As a former flame swallowing, embezzling priest with the Guatemalan Circus, there are some questionable characters after my lovable pal. This means that we often have to wear disguises and use accents so we are not recognizable and easily identified.  It’s a life on the run, slowly. Ahh, just my speed.

a.       Pros: This would be an amazing adventure. I would have awesome animal friends, which has always been a dream of mine.

b.      Cons: Carlito does not exist…or if he does, and I really hope he does,  I am yet to find him. If you see him please contact me ASAP. $$$$REWARD $$$$

2.      Join a cult and drink the kool-aid: I’m sure I could find some creepy hippie types hanging out in the desert out west. Maybe I’d get to renounce all my earthly possessions, or better yet sign them over to a ‘spiritual leader’ named Eli so he can further our cause and decide what to do with my things (pocket the cash and wait till mass suicide day). I could spend my days sitting on the peace rock, finding my inner light and learning how to follow it. Then one day Eli would announce that it was time we all followed the way of our hearts to a land greater than this one. We’d gather at the peace rock, Eli would pass out the koo-koo-kool-aid, we’d join hands, slurp down the crazy juice and die. Eli would break out in dance (hip hop, he’s cool like that) and skip away to claim all of our things.

a.       Pros: I don’t have to worry about what to do with my stuff AND no more job, just reflection.

b.      Cons: I like running water, shaving, internet, and Subway. Cults usually make you chant things, I don’t like group activities. 

3.      Learn a unique skill and cash in on it: My first choice: dragon trainer. I’d get a castle in the hills of some unknown European country, fill it with gothic style things, lots of deep reds and gaudy golds and a moat and drawbridge just because. I would have my own herd of dragons (I’m not sure what a group of dragons is called, but herd seems appropriate). There would be fire-breathing dragons, dragons with talons and swinging tails, and of course, gentle dragons (think Puff the Magic Dragon). It would take lots of effort and quite a few dead geese (treats for my dragons), but I would teach my dragons to fly, attack, sit, and most of all, play hopscotch. Eventually, I would become famous for my ability to turn even the most hostile dragon into a lovable pet AND feared attackdragon. People would come from all over to have me train their dragons. Money and fame would be mine!!!

a.       Pros: Cash. Lots of it. And fame and cute little dragons.

b.      Cons: It seems like a lot of hard work, dragons aren’t known for being cuddly. Plus, having a gaudy castle really isn’t my style. Oh and dragons aren’t real…bummer. 

Hmmm….it’s not looking great for my alternative life plans. I might have to stick to the semi real job and girlcave for now. Poor Delilah.