What's in a Name?

While Delilah Dandypants might not be the most traditional name for a young sprout, it’s far better than the misspelled chaos that the majority of these sticky wildebeests scribble on their tax returns. At some point during wrapping Christmas presents and attempting to spell the ridiculous names my hoodrat cousins have chosen for their genetically misfortunate children, I realized that euthanasia is the answer. After cursing my family members for claiming “Eyeziyah” and “Kai-Lin” are real names, I came to the realization that I cannot have the only idiotic relatives choosing to name their children obnoxiously inappropriate things. So, I did some research and I would like to present to you, some of the very common, yet completely unfortunate names of the next generation.

      1.       Such a heavenly name:  Nevaeh. The dyslexics already know this one. Hint: It’s Heaven backwards. Seriously. First, this name just sounds stupid. Then there’s the fact that ‘heaven backwards’ seems like a fucked up thing to name a kid, no matter how much of Lucifer’s blood flows throughout its creepily small body.  Do us all a favor, if you want to somehow tie your child to heaven, get the little fucker baptized or take it to church, make it wear a cross. DO NOT spell heaven backwards and call it a name. Get real.

      2.       Attack of the Blood Suckers:  Unless you’ve been living in your own version of the girlbunker for the past four years, you are aware that vampires are taking over the world. I’m strangely okay with this, but that could be because I don’t mind biting. However, one of the newest trends in baby naming  is to name the little leeches after fictional leeches (unless Edward really is real). Two of the more popular vampire names are Bella and Sookie. Bella is fine. Sure, sure your bundle of joy is über beautiful and naming her Bella ensures she’ll never forget it, yayayaya. BUT, SOOKIE?! Glory be to Zeus what the hell is happening?  Reasons Sookie is a terrible name for anything other than sexy ass Anna Paquin’s fictional dingy waitress character:

a.       It’s spelled SOOKIE. Pronounced SOOKIE. Enough said.

b.      Sookie is doing some VERY dirty things with those vampires. Personally, I’m a fan. But for a baby? Stop it.

c.       Once again, SOOKIE.

      3.       Fucking stupid: These names are by far the most idiotic, foolish names EVER. If you ever meet a child with one of these names, smack it. Then smack the parent. They will all know why. Beach. Wmffre. Fable.  No, those weren’t random words, those are names. Of children. In America.

I need to go kill myself. Obviously, the world is ending soon; no one named Fable ever made a good life choice.