It has recently come to my attention that I hate my job. Not only do I despise the land of the technicolor cougar, but the leopard print blouses, overly tanned, overly exposed flesh that now resembles worn leather, and wide, vacant eyes make it terribly difficult to accomplish anything except feelings of pity and dread. Due to the fact that I cannot stand one more day in Menopause Mansion, not to mention the fact that 24 is the new 40 and my days are numbered, I have decided to create 3 possible future plans for myself. Delilah has become…a planner.
1.
A cross-country adventure with my giraffe sidekick,
Carlito: We would cruise around the U.S., spend some time in Mexico on a
deserted beach, head up to Canada to get some maple syrup and a hockey player,
maybe make a few friends along the way (Herman the Beluga Whale and Elmer the
baby moose, to be exact). However, it wouldn’t all be fun and games. As a
former flame swallowing, embezzling priest with the Guatemalan Circus, there
are some questionable characters after my lovable pal. This means that we often
have to wear disguises and use accents so we are not recognizable and easily
identified. It’s a life on the run, slowly. Ahh, just my speed.
a.
Pros: This would be an amazing adventure. I would have
awesome animal friends, which has always been a dream of mine.
b.
Cons: Carlito does not exist…or if he does, and I
really hope he does, I am yet to find
him. If you see him please contact me ASAP. $$$$REWARD $$$$
2.
Join a cult and drink the kool-aid: I’m sure I could
find some creepy hippie types hanging out in the desert out west. Maybe I’d get
to renounce all my earthly possessions, or better yet sign them over to a ‘spiritual
leader’ named Eli so he can further our cause and decide what to do with my
things (pocket the cash and wait till mass suicide day). I could spend my days
sitting on the peace rock, finding my inner light and learning how to follow
it. Then one day Eli would announce that it was time we all followed the way of
our hearts to a land greater than this one. We’d gather at the peace rock, Eli
would pass out the koo-koo-kool-aid, we’d join hands, slurp down the crazy
juice and die. Eli would break out in dance (hip hop, he’s cool like that) and
skip away to claim all of our things.
a.
Pros: I don’t have to worry about what to do with my
stuff AND no more job, just reflection.
b.
Cons: I like running water, shaving, internet, and
Subway. Cults usually make you chant things, I don’t like group activities.
3.
Learn a unique skill and cash in on it: My first
choice: dragon trainer. I’d get a castle in the hills of some unknown European
country, fill it with gothic style things, lots of deep reds and gaudy golds
and a moat and drawbridge just because. I would have my own herd of dragons (I’m
not sure what a group of dragons is called, but herd seems appropriate). There
would be fire-breathing dragons, dragons with talons and swinging tails, and of
course, gentle dragons (think Puff the Magic Dragon). It would take lots of
effort and quite a few dead geese (treats for my dragons), but I would teach my
dragons to fly, attack, sit, and most of all, play hopscotch. Eventually, I
would become famous for my ability to turn even the most hostile dragon into a
lovable pet AND feared attackdragon. People would come from all over to have me
train their dragons. Money and fame would be mine!!!
a.
Pros: Cash. Lots of it. And fame and cute little
dragons.
b.
Cons: It seems like a lot of hard work, dragons aren’t known
for being cuddly. Plus, having a gaudy castle really isn’t my style. Oh and
dragons aren’t real…bummer.
Hmmm….it’s not looking great for my alternative
life plans. I might have to stick to the semi real job and girlcave for now.
Poor Delilah.
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