If there is one thing I hate more than children, it’s teen
mothers. Mothers being a loose term. These overgrown toddlers and their active
reproductive systems are killing America. Screw the terrorists, forget about
global warming, pregnant fourteen year olds are doing the most damage to this
country of entitled assholes and it’s all Jesus’ fault. While some may disagree with the fact that Jesus
would stand for such sluttery, they’re wrong.
Jesus is all about the whores. Why
do you think he has good Christian ladies passing out his business cards to
hookers? He’s not trying to build up the congregation; he’s making sure he gets
some dirty sluts knocking on the pearly gates. Even heavenly beings love a good
blow job. However, I’ve gotten sidetracked, back to the knocked up kids and why
Jesus is to blame.
1. Abortion IS the Answer: forget what
those pro-life morons are shouting as you head into the abortion clinic with
the paper bag over your head, abortion is the choice for you! It’s kinda funny
when you think about; your 14 year old acne ridden face was covered with that
same bag the night you conceived little bastard baby, and now you get to
recycle that brown contraption to get rid of fucked up fetus number one. For some
reason, church folks seem to think abortion is wrong, some even call it murder.
However, abortion is not wrong, abortion is the answer. No fourteen year old on
the planet is ready to be a mother. Be it a doctor with a vacuum, Delilah
Dandypants with her metal hanger and panel van, or a kind stranger and shove
down the stairs, it’s my mission to rid the world of these uterus squatters. Not
every child is a miracle from Jesus… some are mistakes from Trojan. Besides, I know
many people whose finest moment would have been a third trimester abortion…with
a weak vacuum head sucker. Ahhh! The sound of skulls crushing is music to my
ears; it makes my heart skip a beat. So, forget what the Jesus freaks say, head
to the nearest clinic or dark alley and go back to living your ignorant teenage
life, filled with Keystone Light, football games, and finger fucking under the
bleachers.
2. Baby Killing Pills: Aka birth control. I
think those grape juice drinking Catholics are still against birth control, and
for that I would like to blame Jesus Christ and all his minions. However, my
main issue is with parents and I find that religious parents are the WORST.
Some idiotic middle aged bible thumpers have this stupid idea that putting
their child on birth control means giving her permission to have sex. Let me
tell you something, I don’t care if little Susanna is the picture of virtue in
your eyes, she’s still fucking for lollipops at the movie theater on Friday
night. Do yourself a favor, give the girl a magic pill, or shot, or patch. Pick
one! Anything’s better than a freaking baby. Also, when she gives birth at the
father/daughter purity dance, don’t judge her too harshly. It’s very difficult
to pop out a baby in a public restroom, especially in heels.
3. The Immaculate Conception: Can I just
say that Mary ruined it for everyone. No one else can use that line again, talk
about selfish. However, it makes me wonder does J.C.’ s spunk have the baby
making power? Since he was the super
special anti sex baby, it stands to reason that his little swimmers aren’t
really swimming. Talk about a safe screw. I bet all the preteen angels are
lining up to ride that mystical manmeat. Actually, it’s probably the thirty
something angels. Kiddie angels don’t think about things like a guy shooting
blanks or if he has the money to pay for an abortion. Believe it or not, the
church frowns upon stealing money from the collection plate to pay for your illegitimate
child’s new home in a Ziploc bag. Personally, I think it’s a great investment. Especially
since good ol’ Mary gave you the idea and the pastor was the first guy that
touched your special spot.
That Damn Jesus. Such a troublemaker! I think it's become very clear that we need to get rid of him. I recommend another cross and maybe some fire. It worked for the witches....
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