Tick Tock Taser: Your Days Are Numbered

I’ve always wanted a taser. Something powerful and zappy, overflowing with unfulfilled promise, just waiting to be placed in the hands of someone who understands its potential for pain, degradation, and above all else, humor. However, I am the type of person who should NEVER EVER be given such an enticing device…as evidenced by the contents of this list. My current “To Taser” list contains about 48 things, ranging from specific people, groups of people, animals, and even a few inanimate objects, but it’s mainly children and assholes. As of 3 am on Sunday morning, these are my top 5 taserworthy jerkanoodles.

 

             1.  Jesus:  Would it even work? What if the electricity coursing through his nonexistent body depleted him of his magical powers? If he was hanging on the cross, would the nails act as conductors and intensify his experience? Maybe he’d like it; Jizzy Christ, the kinkster. I wonder how different the bible would be if good ol’ JC felt the zap of the taser. I bet that whole “love thy neighbor” bullshit would be cut. Maybe some scripture about obeying the blonde girl with the buzzing toy would be added. Aaaaand we’re back to kinky.   

            2.  Girl Scouts or any other child organization that gathers outside the grocery store to sell you cookies/popcorn/arsenic laced baked goods. These little bitches and bastards really piss me off. For starters, who decided it was a good idea to sell food outside of a FOOD STORE? What sense does that make? You have cookies, so does the grocery store. Plus, I don’t have to pretend to care about the grocery store’s cookie badge. Here’s a marketing tip: sell your cookies outside of a gym, hospital cafeteria, or funeral home. Grieving people tend to find comfort in food. Also, why are these little fuckers so aggressive? Stop pouncing on people. All you do is make me want to say extremely mean things to you. My goal is to give you a complex so you grow up with a social defect and possibly an eating disorder. I think we can all agree that tasing your overzealous ass is the more humane choice. Down kiddie.

           3.  Cat Owners (And your feline companions): First, let me clarify. I DO NOT mean jungle cats ie: tigers, lions, cheetahs etc (totes adorbs!), I DO mean tabby cats, black cats, and all cats named Mr. Piddles. Honestly, I shouldn’t blame the cats, but I do. They’re pompous and predatory, the very worst kind of animal. I also don’t trust any pet that has to have its claws removed for your safety. No. Thank. You.  I didn’t think it was possible, but cat owners are worse than cats. Cat owners talk to their cats in little baby voices while the offending animal purrs back as if a real conversation is taking place. Cat people have furniture that is caked in cat hair and littered with little mouse brass bell toys. Oh! And somewhere in their house, there is a litter box. It’s filled with dried up cat shit. As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, cat owners always own at least one article of clothing with a picture of a cat on it. It’s as though they feel the need to advertise their poor pet choices and lack of social skills. If you ever see someone with a picture of a pussy on his shirt, run the other way. It’s either a douchebag or a cat owner; neither will end well for you. 

                    4.     All teenage boys with an affinity for skinny jeans. I’m not exactly sure when raiding your seven year old sister’s closet became an acceptable practice, but someone needs to put an end to this madness. Not only do your jeans appear to cut off circulation and inevitably force me to ponder your underwear situation which leaves me feeling like Mary Kay Letourneau without the teaching degree, BUT I want every one of you to know that there is not a single girl in the world interested in seeing the outline of your prepubescent penis. It’s just sad.

a.       Any grown man who deems it appropriate to wear skinny jeans. Stop it. I will tase you just to see you piss in your too tight denim. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to remove urine soaked skinny jeans, but I will laugh SO hard as you hop around trying to take off your clichéd Converse before your rancid pee infects your precious shoes. Just so you know, the moment you are almost free of your pee pants, I will tase you again. This will make you fall down and break your fake geek hipster glasses, maybe chip a tooth. I will find this hysterical and tase you one more time for good measure. Thanks for participating.

b.      For those over 30 who rock skinny jeans AND Justin Bieber hair:  The taser is not enough. I recommend the electric chair. Don’t worry, that convicted murderer on death row has been waiting around for twelve years and is more than willing to give up his seat. Nice guy.

         5.   Michael J. Fox: It’s very simple; would he shake more or less?  Support your local Parkinson’s Foundation; those little twitchers need all the money their shaky hands can handle.

   Ahhh and to think this is just the beginning! More to come...
 

   NOTE: This list is updated frequently and could change at any time based on the author's current state of mind and general annoyance with the world.