Home-o-phobic

I have come to the conclusion that I am a fucking masochist. Such harsh words for a Dandypants, but it’s true. At  an age so cripplingly close to maturity I sometimes consider myself an adult, I am living at home. With my family. In the same room I grew up in. Obviously things aren’t going great. While this is semi normal for my generation of nitwits and this less than stellar economic funland, I, Delilah Dandypants, am appalled. I am an exasperating, people hating, masturbating loner. This means I don’t like people and I especially do not like my family. Here’s why: 

      1.       Privacy Acts:  Nothing kills my desire to diddle my skittle more than hearing my mother’s piercing voice holler “DellllllliLAH!” She always gets louder at the end. Don’t ask me why. While I too am a screamer, mine tends to be orgasm induced and something tells me my mom is not tasting the rainbow while washing dishes. Maybe if she was she wouldn’t be so hard pressed to scream my name…that would be awkward. While the yelling may be annoying, I find that the walking in my room without knocking is the most egregious offense. These knuckle walking beasts have the audacity to barge in my room while simultaneously knocking. Who the fuck does that? The courtesy is that you knock BEFORE turning the doorknob to enter. Everyone knows that, even the sheep. Apparently these baboons missed that day at ChimpRanch. As if these two complete invasions of my implied right to privacy weren’t bad enough, I would have to say that my chimpfamilee using my room as a hotel while I am gone is probably the worst of it. They don’t even have the courtesy to rent it out by the hour to hookers and johns and the occasional goat. Nope, they let random relatives whom I despise enjoy the luxury that is the girlbed. It’s a privilege that shouldn’t be taken lightly or cheaply. Dumbass devilmonkeys.

      2.       Noisemakers: While it might not be obvious from my general disdain or chatty nature, I like a quiet atmosphere. Super quiet. Maybe some music in the background or the buzzing of a random tv show. That being said, I DO NOT find young couples arguing, dogs barking, men screaming, weights dropping, alarms blaring, or drunks laughing to be sounds of entertainment or relaxation. Therefore, I disapprove of all sounds. Yes, I am serious. My Chimp Family Robinson does not seem to understand this. Oh and their favorite time to yell or cough or breathe? Delilah’s naptime. While I tolerate the constant interruptions to my day, I will not stand for naptime interruptions. In fact, I’m considering purchasing a taser. Chimps beware; I’m not against animal testing. 

     3.       DramaRama : I live with teenage mutant ninja monkeys. They are overly sensitive, easily offended, and full of useless opinions. Basically it’s like living with forty five 14 year old girls who all dated the same guy and he gave each of them Chlamydia. Only the girls would probably befriend one another at some point and stop arguing and name calling. Euthanasia would be the Delilah friendly thing to do. I only wish Jack hadn’t gone to live on the farm…

    I need to move the fuck out. This place scares me.