As
Delilah approaches adulthood-or what passes for adulthood in the land of
Dandypants – there are some very important “adult” decisions being thrust upon
her…and not the good kind of thrusting.
One
particular question that people keep asking is “Do you see yourself having kids
one day?” I’m not exactly sure what prompts people to ask a soon to be 25 year
old narcissist about her desire to nurse something other than a hangover, but
they do.
So,
in an effort to clear the air and to provide a point of reference to all of
those mindless weasels who insist all of us with working uteruses must provide
the world with another self entitled, big headed prickbaby, I have compiled a
list of reasons why I will never be Mother Dandypants. Enjoy.
1.
Selfish is the new black: I, Delilah Dandypants, am a selfish
human. This means I like to sleep in, go to bed late, spend money as quickly
and frivolously as possible, have lots of awesome sex, travel the world, drink
martinis, eat fish, curse, and basically do whatever the fuck I want. Somehow –
and don’t ask me how because I obviously don’t know – a baby means you can’t do
all of that stuff whenever you want. How fucking rude, baby?! I mean, you house
the little twat for TEN months (They tell you it’s 9, but 40 weeks is more like
10), feed it, change its diapers, occasionally show it something similar to
affection and then you STILL have to give up all of that awesome stuff. Count
me the fuck out. Nothing is worse than resenting your screaming infant so much
that you consider putting it in the washing machine just to see if 2 month olds
can swim…
2.
Mother May I NOT: I don’t EVER want to be like my mother. Very
simple. Very cliché. Totally true.
3.
Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems: This is SO not true. However, you
know what gives you LESS money? A fucking baby! Those little money grubbing
sacks of flesh are so damn expensive. They want food and diapers and blankets
and onsies and eventually they might need to go to college – assuming you don’t
go all Crazy Florida Mom and put two in their skulls – and all of that lovely
stuff costs OVER A MILLION DOLLARS. Fuck that. I’d rather BURN the money than
spend it on soft skulled crybaby.
4.
Needy, Needy, Needy: Babies are extremely needy. Like for
reals, yo. They CRY all the time! No words, just wails. How awful is that? No
wonder people shake them. I bet they’re just trying to get their words out. We
should be nicer to these people. Seriously though, you have to GUESS why the
small bodied, big lunged beast is screaming at all hours of the night and even
if you guess right, they might still scream. Who has that kind of time and
patience? Not the Dandypants. I’m going with shake and bake. Seriously, I think
buns in the oven rise around 375 degrees. You can quote me on that.
5.
Because SIDS is less common than you think and I don’t believe
in miracles.
Hmmm on that VERY positive
note, I think shall temporarily conclude this list. Look out for an update
coming soon…well, Delilah’s version of soon J
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